I haven’t prayed in months. Okay that is not entirely true, I say bedtime prayers with my children, I pray for people that ask me to pray for them, and I have tearfully pleaded for the lives of other children at the clinic. But I haven’t prayed for my son. I know a few people that probably gasped reading that last sentence….please do not call me and try to bring me closer to Jesus.
Please do not misinterpret my lack of prayer as a lack of faith. It’s not. I believe that God is bigger than cancer, I believe that God’s love is perfect and never ending, and more than anything I believe that God has a plan for my life and that it is better than any story I could write for myself. I never would have imagined that plan would include my child having cancer, but it does and I trust his plan. Every time I begin to say that prayer my breath hitches in my chest and the words never come. Because I know that God could say no. He could say no, and I’m selfish and I want to see that amazing smile, hear his sweet giggles, and watch his curious eyes discover new things for the rest of my life. If I don’t ask God can’t say no, right?
I know that sounds a bit childish but I can’t think about the big picture, it’s scary and I think that is ok. God is a big boy and can handle my fear. And when I really think about it I know I don’t need to pray that prayer. He knows my heart and has been with me every step of the way. I can feel Him as I sit in an empty waiting room every morning while Holden has treatment. I can see how he prepared our family for this journey long before it started. And His love engulfs me as I pull out of the hospital parking garage every day, turning up the radio so Holden won’t hear me cry. He holds me and I hold Holden and I silently hope that I will always be able to.