I haven’t prayed in months

I haven’t prayed in months. Okay that is not entirely true, I say bedtime prayers with my children, I pray for people that ask me to pray for them, and I have tearfully pleaded for the lives of other children at the clinic. But I haven’t prayed for my son. I know a few people that probably gasped reading that last sentence….please do not call me and try to bring me closer to Jesus.

Please do not misinterpret my lack of prayer as a lack of faith. It’s not. I believe that God is bigger than cancer, I believe that God’s love is perfect and never ending, and more than anything I believe that God has a plan for my life and that it is better than any story I could write for myself. I never would have imagined that plan would include my child having cancer, but it does and I trust his plan. Every time I begin to say that prayer my breath hitches in my chest and the words never come. Because I know that God could say no. He could say no, and I’m selfish and I want to see that amazing smile, hear his sweet giggles, and watch his curious eyes discover new things for the rest of my life. If I don’t ask God can’t say no, right?

I know that sounds a bit childish but I can’t think about the big picture, it’s scary and I think that is ok. God is a big boy and can handle my fear. And when I really think about it I know I don’t need to pray that prayer. He knows my heart and has been with me every step of the way. I can feel Him as I sit in an empty waiting room every morning while Holden has treatment. I can see how he prepared our family for this journey long before it started. And His love engulfs me as I pull out of the hospital parking garage every day, turning up the radio so Holden won’t hear me cry. He holds me and I hold Holden and I silently hope that I will always be able to.

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3 Comments Add yours

  1. Amy Carlson says:

    You are such an amazing mommy! Holden is so lucky to have you in his corner! You amaze me always!

  2. Matt Erickson says:

    I don’t know what to say but stay strong. I have never met Holden but he does have a amazing mom. Stay strong for him and I believe he will fight with all his might.

  3. Rhonda Marasco says:

    Hello, my dear friend Natalie’s 2 year old son, Charlie, was just diagnosed with Rhabdomyosarcoma and I stumbled upon your blog while researching doctors who are leading authorities in this rare cancer. Your words are both eloquent and raw and I’m hopeful you could be a resource for my friend. We live near Pittsburgh, PA and just found out the diagnosis last Thursday. Doctors here are working to figure out which type of Rhabdomyosarcoma Charlie has. It is known that the cancer has spread, as he had a tumor removed from his stomach on Tuesday, they located another on his ankle and other masses were found on both lungs. Nothing else is known at this time, other than Charlie is scheduled to begin his chemo treatments tomorrow. I’m begging you to contact my friend and share any helpful resources you may have. Only parents who are in this situation know the helplessness a parent feels when given a diagnosis such as Rhabdomyosarcoma. Please reach out to her so she knows she is not alone in this diagnosis.

    Along with Charlie, Holden will be in my prayers.

    Kindly,
    Rhonda Marasco
    rhondamarasco@gmail.com

    (I can pass along my friend Natalie’s email address if interested)

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