Helpless

Today was hard. I hated every minute of this morning! People are always saying how strong we are and it makes me want to roll my eyes and laugh. When your child has cancer you don’t have an option. You can’t curl up in a ball and cry because it’s too hard even though that is the thing you want to do more than anything.

We are in our final days of radiation treatments. I am so happy that Holden and I will no longer have to get up at 4am every morning I could cry. This has been the hardest phase of Holden’s treatment so far. The whole family is exhausted and burnt out. Holden is currently in a lot of pain, his skin purple and peeling and from the sounds of his cries, internally is probably just as bad. The worst part…I can’t do a thing about it! No matter how much I want to I can’t kiss it and make it better, take his pain away, or take his place. There is no explaining anesthesia to a 2 year old who wakes in the middle of the night thirsty, he just cries and asks why you are being mean to him. Sometimes he looks at me and his eyes ask me why I am allowing them to do this. It is heartbreaking and I feel helpless. Completely helpless.

 

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3 Comments Add yours

  1. Love you, Dawn. It is always safe to share your feelings. This is a horrible part of your lives, and I am so sorry.

  2. Matt Erickson says:

    I cant even imagine what Holden and his family are going through. I am a new dad and I pray every day that Cole stays healthy. I pray and think about Holden often. I hope so much that he gets well soon. I will wear this bracket until he gets healthy and I pray for the day I can send it to him and he can throw it away because he will not need it anymore. Good bless you and stay strong.

  3. Melissa Allen says:

    Dawn and rich,
    I cried so hard reading this. I can’t explain how sorry i am that you are going thru this. And how hard it is on baby Holden. I wish as you do that I could take it from him. I’m paying so much for you and yours. Watching my mom go thru what she did completely tore me apart and I know it would be 100 times worse being my baby boy. I love you all so very much. Please call or text me anytime to vent or cry. If there is ever anything you need please tell me. I would be so happy to help. The prayers are coming not just for Holden but you two as well. I love you guys.
    Missy

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