Fear and Love

“If you leave I’m not going to be OK.”, said the tiny boy in the bed far too small for a mama to share. The bed creaked and groaned as I found a spot between him and the 53 stuffed animals that share his bed. He melted into my side and then, between quick inhalations…

Grandma

As child I didn’t know what to think of her. In comparison to my timidness, her larger than life personality left me awe struck. She was powerful and feisty and when she left everything felt renewed. I often wished she lived next door so she could breathe life into us on a daily basis instead…

Here we are again

For 5 years I’ve spent my afternoons in this same spot. In a creaky rocking chair , feet on the windowsill, making heart shapes with my feet against the glass, watching my children live the memories they will carry with them forever in our yard. Their shouts and squeals muffled but the joy on their…

Life after cancer

The Spring before Holden was diagnosed I attended the first Sweethearts Ball. For those of you who don’t know what that is it’s a fundraiser in Coeur d’Alene for a camp for Children with cancer, now called Camp Journey. I ate dinner and shed a few tears as I watched the video about the camp….

Rain

It rained today. It poured, and I felt like I was drowning. The rain was too much of a parallel to my own life today. Every time it seemed to let up it would begin again, but harder, like it was trying to suffocate you and wash you away. I wished it would stop. Having…

I haven’t prayed in months

I haven’t prayed in months. Okay that is not entirely true, I say bedtime prayers with my children, I pray for people that ask me to pray for them, and I have tearfully pleaded for the lives of other children at the clinic. But I haven’t prayed for my son. I know a few people that…

Helpless

Today was hard. I hated every minute of this morning! People are always saying how strong we are and it makes me want to roll my eyes and laugh. When your child has cancer you don’t have an option. You can’t curl up in a ball and cry because it’s too hard even though that…

Stop saying that.

“God will never give you more than you can handle.”  “You’re such a strong person.” “Keep your chin up and everything will work out.” In the past 2 weeks my husband and I have been told these things repeatedly. Not only is the phrase, “God will never give you more than you can handle”, not…